After a week-long break from writing, my heart has been filled with many words. Above all of them, I want you to know confirmedly that you are not alone. Not only physically, but in your experiences too. We all go through far more of a similar life than you may think. We all have similar habits, even the weird ones.
That being said, have you ever been so heartbroken that you kept telling God “but I want a relationship with no one else. I dont want anyone else, God!” or “I want nothing more than to have that person back.”
For poetry class, we are writing about any dream we have had. I occasionally write my dreams in my notes. I looked back in my notes and I came across just one dream I have recorded. It was of a boy I had been with years ago. I was heartbroken and I had prayed to get over him. After that prayer, I had this dream. The dream was me reuniting with him. In the dream, I physically re-felt the pain I had felt while being with him. The heartbreak had blinded me from remembering that being with him was painful. I had forgotten, because of course when you lose someone you love, it’s so hard to remember the bad parts. It’s so hard to step back and get a perspective as to why God would take something so “good” from you.
The feeling that dream gave me is what ultimately led to my letting go. It was God answering my prayer. I was reminded that even though I was blinded from it then, I did feel pain in that relationship. And now I had a sort of peace. That peace was taken from me when I dreamt of being with him. that’s how I knew the breakup was from God, I felt peace from within without him.
I remember vividly after many breakups, praying to God to bring them back, never imagining myself NOT wanting them back. Sometimes it’s not about not wanting them back but about wanting someone more. Before you assume that means moving on to someone else, keep reading.
There are other breakups I have experienced that have been like this, with this same prayer being prayed afterward. Almost all of them have, actually. As a writer, I record them and mark my progress through each one. I have a journal that I use to write to God every day. After re-reading these lately, I notice a pattern. Throughout every breakup, there is about a one-week mark where things start to get better. After about three weeks I am no longer begging God to bring that person back.
Now, who is this person I now long for more?
It’s simple. It’s Jesus.
Times of singleness is not in preparation for someone else. Let that sink in. God can use time with Him to prepare you for worldly gifts but a relationship and marriage is a GIFT, not the goal. God uses singleness for you to get closer to Him. He’s not saying, “You are going to get closer to me SO THAT you can get back with him and be a better girlfriend” or so that you can be a better girlfriend for someone else. The point will never be for anyone but Him. Getting closer to Him will ultimately lead you to be a better girlfriend or boyfriend but that’s not the POINT of getting closer to Him. Stop following God FOR someone else.
So, at that three-week mark what do I find myself doing? I find myself coming to this very realization and as a result, longing for God more than anyone else. Truly. When you don’t see someone’s side to a breakup, as I didn’t, you pray for it. Their perspective will be revealed to you and then you realize God’s purpose for it. I hope you will come to the realization that God is the ultimate goal in singleness, the rest is a gift. That’s when my hope is that you will start longing for God more than anyone else.
Trust me, that time will come.
I have more to say on this so the next blog will be part 2:)
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