If asked to go back in time and manipulate my life differently, would I take it?
This is a tempting question.
Would I unbreak my heart countless times?
Would I pray before saying “yes” to a date with that boy instead of trusting it was “fate”?
Sometimes I think, if only I had been like every other girl I hear about who asks God “take him out of my life if he isn't the one”.
I bet they are happy.
I bet they spared a heartbreak or two.
Would I have run through the pain and maybe made it big?
Would I have followed through with publishing that book.
Ghosting the publisher seemed more like me, they always said I was a runaway.
Would I have fought my parents harder to stay in the Westcoast?
Perhaps, they would have listened.
Perhaps, that is the one thing I would manipulate and all the others would be spared along with it.
I would never had to convince myself the country in him is tolerable.
City boys would surround me.
Would I have tried harder in school?
Did I not try enough?
I’m here, sitting in my Sophomore dorm two years early, aren't I?
Would I have picked my style I would eventually come to rest in, sooner?
Spare the Billie Eilish and tom-boy phase.
Would I have dyed my hair bleach blonde from the start to spare the hundreds of dollars on revival hair products and blue hair phases?
Maybe, just maybe, I would have even tried harder in that middle school relationship so that I didn't have to experience the loss of a high school one.
Oh, I know what I would have changed.
If asked, if given the chance, I would have told my middle school self,
“Run to God MORE”
I would tell her,
“Don’t even go on a date with that boy, study how to be a woman of God instead.”
“Quit putting your identity in Track. No one will know you are a runner unless you tell them, it's not your identity.”
I would tell her,
“Write that book about love, not lust. Maybe then you will want your name on it.”
“You’re not a runaway, you need to grow more before settling and you know it. Go to therapy, it's okay.”
I would say,
“He’s not your type, move on and stop settling.”
“Have fun in school. God ends up getting you through it miraculously early.”
Oh, I would say to her,
“Go through the phases! Trial and error is the key to finding yourself.”
If only she knew, if only I could comfort her and say,
“Don’t conform. That’s not love.”
If only she knew, there is beauty in the process and if it wasn't for the process, the outcome wouldn’t be so.... God.
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