How to Be a Woman of God (Satire Poem)

Don't even consider sleeping in on Sunday mornings or taking a nap after school Wednesday. Wear whatever you want because “God don't judge”. Don't show skin because humans do judge. Hang out with only Christians or you are conforming to the world. Don't kiss a boy for too long or you are being a stumbling block. Don’t preach too loud because you are a woman. Eat healthy and work out, your body is a temple. Talking too long about God with an unbeliever makes you judgemental. Study your bible at local coffee shops. Post your bible next to your black coffee. Put Jesus stickers on your computer because that's how you evangelize. Bring up God in every conversation with a stranger. You must shop local. Donate your clothes as soon as you grow out of them. If something has been sitting untouched in your closet for too long, donate that too. Take pictures of the sky every day. Consider missions at least once in your life. Your testimony must be really deep. If you don't go to a Christian college then are you even a Christian? If anything, at least study a minor in ministry. Be able to answer on the spot why God is still good despite evil. Pray before you eat to avoid being poisoned. There is a rule book for dating, follow it or you are leading astray. Raise your hands during worship or you're a poser. This is how you read the bible. This is how you righteously judge. This is how you pray. This is how you date. This is how you gossip. Avoid men with cross necklaces. Consider men with cross tattoos. Avoid men with a bible verse in their Instagram bio. Consider men who post pictures of their bible on their story but remember, God opposes the proud. Don't close the door to your bedroom with a boy. Don't even go into a bedroom with a boy. No spooning. Set a 30-second timer before kissing. Boutiques are your best friend. Donate half of your income. Plan to have at least 4 kids. If you are not engaged by 24, read 1 Corinthians 7. Plant seeds, don't be pushy. Read your Bible every day. Cross your legs when you sit. Tattoos are a sin; but that's ceremonial law?. Attraction of the opposite sex is the worst sin of them all; but all sins are equal? They don't care. This is how you bake. This is how you wear a size up. This is how you raise your kids. This is how you do your makeup. This is how you wear a purity ring. This is how short your nails should be. Long nails are arousing. Wear a bra. ONE-PIECES ONLY. Pray for your exes. Use big words like intentionality. Be good at writing poetry. Travel a lot. Pray for your future husband. Sweat during the summer to stay modest. This is what you can preach about. This is what you don’t preach about. This is how you become a stay-at-home mom. This is how you set your alarm for 6:00 am. Read all of the self-help books. Hold a bible study at your house every Tuesday. Book clubs are on Wednesday. Too much makeup is insulting to God. Hide your inappropriate sense of humor. Pray the second you get tempted or you aren’t a true Christian. If you don’t struggle with the same sin as others then you are more sinful than them. Turn your past into a book or you are not using it for good. Hold your tongue. If you know what sex is then your mind is impure; but sex is Holy? If you don't read the bible with your boyfriend twice every day then God is not the center; but what about spiritual boundaries? The second you and your boyfriend lust, pray. Befriending a male who is close enough to make it on the best friends list is an act of leading on. For the love of God, do not attend a church full of lights and smoke machines, doctrine will raise your kids. A raise in the tone of voice is not ladylike. Decorate your house in quotes. Build a prayer room. Eat as a family no exceptions. Paint in your free time. Adopt a golden retriever as your first kid who sits at a soft-spoken “sit” command. Don't shop, adopt. Conforming to the world makes you weak. This is what you wear so the men don't stumble. If you and your boyfriend slip up it's all your fault; but what if he initiated it? Do you mean to tell me after all of these rules you cannot lead him perfectly?